Archive for November, 2012
Tuesday, November 20th, 2012
The idea of asking questions of the client is the cornerstone of coaching. But I wonder how often we (I’m talking primarily about us coaches, those in the helping professions) are willing to turn the tables on ourselves and ask ourselves the kinds of questions that would lift us off our feet and very often out of our very lives, careers, relationships, friendship and return us not quite the same person. I imagine many of us including myself spend our time ducking and diving, dodging the kind of questions that aims for the heart and right to the jugular of what really matters. Ontological coach Julio Olalla reminds us that, “We are full of answers to questions we never ask.”
Inspired by the poem, ‘Sometimes’ by David Whyte and an article he wrote for a magazine – Questions that have no right to go away – here are 10 questions of my own you can make time in your week to begin to discover the answers.
1. How well do I really know and appreciate myself?
2. How well do I really know, love and respect my partner?
3. What difficult or uncomfortable conversations do I need to have with others? Name names.
4. What habits or actions do I regularly engage in that are costing me dearly? What are the costs?
5. Do I really know how other people experience me? How could I find out? Who would I not want to ask? Add that person immediately to the list.
6. How much of who I am do I bring to my conversations with others? Guess a percentage. Where’s the rest of the percentage? What are they getting up to?
7. Where have I been wrong and whom do I need to say sorry to? Again name names.
8. If I gave it my heart and your soul what would I be doing with my life that is different to what I do now?
9. If I allow myself sometime during this week to sit with silence what will I hear in the quiet of my own company?
10. What really brings me alive? More on this question in a later post this week.
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Tuesday, November 20th, 2012
©tracyantonioli used with permission
“When you look at a tree, you see a source of wood, perhaps shelter. You see a thing of strength and beauty. If you open your mind, you may see a chair, a table, even the frame of a sofa. Your physical senses coupled with imagination give you the ability to see what a thing can become. Yet there is so much you cannot see. You cannot see the age of the tree, how deep its roots grow, the number of people who have sat at the foot of the tree to picnic or cry. You do not know how many animals, insects, or people have eaten from the fruit of the tree, or have survived a storm because of the position of that tree. The tree may have medicinal or sentimental value you cannot see. Rest assured, the tree has a value, purpose and meaning beyond all that you can see or imagine.”
When faced with a difficult situation, a challenge in life, you do not always see the intangible value and worth of the experience.
- Iyanla Vanzant, The Spirit Of A Man
What have been the gifts from your difficult and tough life and work challenges?
By the way how real does that tree look to you? Just like our thoughts not everything we think or see is as it is.
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Tuesday, November 20th, 2012
Last week I found out that Susan Jeffers author of several self help books and the seminal bestseller Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway passed away. Reading the email caused me to pause in my day and reflect on the impact Susan had on my life. In real life we never met but we met at a poignant time in my life on the page. What she wrote and shared in her book Feel the fear and do it anyway had a significant impact on helping me get through a difficult place at the time. If you’re reading this blog page you could probably write your life story through a history of the books you’ve read at different times. Like music, books can remind us in an instant of where we were at certain moments on our life’s journey.
In my case I was 26 years old, heavily pregnant with my first and only child. I was browsing (do you remember a time when we used to browse in bookshops) in my local bookshop in Brixton when I came across her book. My favourite section has always been the self-help section and as soon as I saw the title ‘Feel The Fear And Do it Anyway’ I grabbed the last copy from the shelf. A quick skim read of the first few pages and I knew the book was going home with me. It was love at first sight.
Like new love I couldn’t wait and started eagerly reading on the bus home. That was back in 1988. The book is still in my collection. And finding it back in 1988 was just what I needed for where I was on my personal and professional journey. I know ‘Feel The Fear And Do it Anyway’ helped millions of people globally and the title became a mantra in the publishing world and the world of leadership and management.
I’ll leave you with this question on this rainy and dark Tuesday morning, “If you knew fear was a friend in disguise, what would you feel the fear and do anyway?
Susan will be missed.
Susan Jeffers
1938-2012
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Monday, November 19th, 2012
How Much Quiet Do You Get In Your Day? Seriously I want to set you a challenge right now. For the next twenty-four hours record how many minutes of quiet you get to engage and be with in one through the course of one whole day? I guess most people would not get past 15 minutes of quiet or silence in any given day. Why is that? What keeps us away from silence? What are we afraid of? What will we find in the silence? Cultural anthropologist and educator Angeles Arrien writes, “Where did you grow uncomfortable with the sweet territory of silence?”
I pose you the same question. When was the last time you experienced silence or quiet, which you consciously savoured or enjoyed? Perhaps this is why the other day I sat in a state of bliss and flow, writing and creating in the Georgian Café in Clapham South. I suddenly looked up and realized that one of the reasons for my comfort and flow was the absence of loud music playing in the background. The only sounds came from the orders being placed by walk in customers and the faint hum of conversations from the people eating breakfast and the jangle of china teacups and wares as the staff went to and fro. I felt at home amongst the quiet. I could hear myself think. It was great to allow my thoughts to free associate without having to battle against the loud music you’ll often find blasting out in café’s and restaurants.
I think I am going to write to Siobhan Wall author of Quiet London and suggest that she adds the café to her compilation of quiet cafes and eating places in London in a new edition. Quiet London is a guide to interesting, attractive and quiet places to meet, drink, eat, swim, rest, shop, sleep or read. It includes short descriptions, travel and contact details and simple but atmospheric photographs
http://quietplacestosit.blogspot.co.uk/
You might also like to check out the book Quiet by Susan Cain. You’ll learn a lot backed up by research about what introverts bring to the table and what value quiet brings to our lives both personal and at work. I devoured the book on a flight from Boston to UK. It’s a hefty book but well worth staying with.
www.thepowerofintroverts.com
Watch Susan’s TED talk The Power Of Introverts: http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html
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Monday, November 19th, 2012
This morning I felt a strange source of comfort on my early morning walk along the Albert Embankment. With the river Thames on one side and on the other side a long stretch of Plane trees accompanied me on my walk. This morning I could really feel the trees presence and energy. Plane trees were planted all over the city because of their ability to soak in pollution from the air. They survive and soak up the toxic fumes of car fuel and are often referred to as the green lungs of the city.
I love to walk this stretch of the city around 5am or 5.30am just before the Plane trees have to get ready for a days work of soaking up the car fumes that fill this stretch of road each day. As I walk the Plane trees feel quiet and peaceful, protectively watching over me as I saunter by. Their very existence makes my walk all that more enjoyable. What with their height and incredible stature Plane trees are not hard to miss and add such beauty to our London streets, parks and river banks.
You may be interested in the fact that one of the Plane trees planted in1789 in Berkeley Square, central London was valued in 2009 by the Trees Office Association at £750,000. So when you are out and about see when you can spot your next Plane tree. Send us your images of Plane trees from your area to post on our blog page. Images can be sent to: info@jackeeholder.com
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Sunday, November 11th, 2012
Today is the official 13th birthday of my first book Soul Purpose published way back in 1999. Where has the time gone? I wrote Soul Purpose when I was 37 years and achieved a life long ambition of publishing a book. Despite being out of print I still receive letters and emails from readers and in the last couple of years sat in the same carriage on a tube where someone was actually reading my book.
I am glad I had the courage to go and ahead with pushing the book out into the world. It’s part of my legacy and I am deeply thankful that Piatkus books took a chance on an unknown writer like me and published it in the first place.
At the time I was an inexperienced writer who had a choppy on off relationship with creative writing but had huge dreams and ambitions of being a writer. I modelled myself on literary giants, the likes of Maya Angelou, Alice Walker and the new writer on the block at the time Iyanla Vanzant. Whilst I admired writers from other cultural backgrounds these writers were significant because of their racial backgrounds, If they could do it then I believed in my heart that I could do it too.
What I learnt from writing of Soul Purpose
- One needs to cultivate a regular habit of writing. It doesn’t need to be an hour a day but it needs to be regular
- Wanting to tell your story is not the same as knowing how to write your story. There’s an art, science and synchronicity that all work hand in hand when writing
- Writing is a physical act. We write through and with our bodies and you need to show up and actually write to call yourself a writer
- Soul Purpose was not the book I intended to write. Once I started to write the writing created it’s own path which I followed
- We have to let go of our plan for the book and allow the book it is meant to be to come through
- Writing is a practice
- How grateful I am for that very first step of my publishing journey. I sent out ten book proposals and struck lucky. But I wouldn’t have given up
What I would do differently if given the chance to do it all again?
- I would ask for more help. I seriously needed a writing mentor or coach
- I would have more people read and comment on my text
- I would have been much braver on writing about taboo subjects such as sexuality and race
- I would have edited more and negotiated a new deadline with my editor to give the book more time to incubate and mature
- I would have worked from a more organised work and writing space so my creativity could have flowed better
- I would have delivered my second book for Piatkus and not let fear get the better of me which it did, which resulted in a seven year gap between books one and two
- I would have invested more in learning the craft of writing and opened myself to more feedback
- Made sure both my parents attended the book launch and invited them both to say a few words
What I would keep the same?
- Definitely the cover, which I still love to this day
- The first few opening lines at the start of the book
- The quote at the beginning of the book
- The opportunity to write Soul Purpose
- My innocence in writing Soul Purpose
- The synchronicity surrounding obtaining my book deal, which included a chance conversation with a stranger in a workshop queue whom it turned out, was a commissioning editor at Harper Collins who at the time had my book proposal sitting on her desk.
- The excitement and buzz at my book launch at the Ritzy Café in Brixton on the 11.11.1999
I have some exciting plans for Soul Purpose in 2013 & 2014 when it will celebrate it’s 15th birthday including publishing her on kindle.
Soul Purpose is my baby and holds a special place on my writing journey.
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